Friday, May 31, 2013

Day 2

This is what I wrote in my journal about Day 2 after Dallin's accident.

"Well these two days ran together since I haven’t gone to sleep at all. After I was alone it really started to hit me and I got super emotional. I called my mom balling. The nurse’s were so nice and got me warm blankets and food. The new nurse on today is named Michaela. She is really nice and is taking great care of Dallin. They took him down around 7:30AM to get another CT so we are waiting on Dr. Welling to come and analyze it. It’s about 9:10AM now and Clayton, Laura, and Tanner should be getting off their plane now and hopefully heading here. No one has been here since about 2AM, just me. And I will not leave. Now I just go and stand with him and talk to him and hold his hand. I laugh at his chipped toe nail because I’m always telling him he needs to trim them! I go through periods of feeling confident he will fight this and overcome it and will be fine. Then I have periods where I can’t breathe and realize there’s a chance he won’t wake up. I cannot live without him. I can’t. I won’t. I have a baby to think about, too. The nurse’s keep telling me I need to take care of myself and sleep and eat and yada yada yada. I am eating when I can and I am doing my best to take care of myself. But who cares about me when Dallin is laying there intubated with a brain monitor drilled in his skull. He’s restrained so if he becomes agitated he won’t yank anything out and he looks so weak there like if the machines stops working he’s gone.

 Dallin's boss, Dave, sent those two little stuffed lambs to show their love and support.

Devin and Teddi got here and I felt relieved. I asked him right away for a blessing. It was beautiful and brought peace. Dallin’s family got there shortly after and, of course, there was some initial shock. Dallin just looks terrible. The nurse explained some things and answered all of their questions. We then were asked to wait in a consultation room as the doctor checked him out and then would come to talk to us. We waited awhile and a social worker came in, a case manager, our nurse, and the Doctor. This Doctor told us this is a very serious catastrophic injury. It was nothing but bad bad bad. We should not have too much hope for recovery and that if he even wakes at all. Needless to say when they walked out we all fell apart bawling. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My worst nightmare coming true before my eyes.  I went over to his room and there was Devin and Teddi and we all cried some more. We spent time with him, cried more, spent time, finally mom got there which was really nice. The Nero Surgeon Dr. Welling was ready to meet with us again with case manager, social worker, and nurse present. He said we have every reason to be “cautiously optimistic”.  He said that we still aren’t for sure on the shearing and that it will become evident as he is taken off the meds and we can check his nero responses. The area of the brain where the shearing may have occurred is in the mid brain and just above it. If it was lower at the brain stem yes that is catastrophic he said. The midbrain is still dangerous but nothing as condemning as the brain stem. He said Dallin’s intra cranial pressure has been doing marvelous and he doesn’t expect it to spike like previously thought. He even mentioned he might be taking the ICP monitor out in the next 24-36 hours. Good news. The biggest threat is the axonal diffusion/brain shear. Again, it will be a few days before we even try to take him off. Dr. Welling said he’s seen the whole spectrum of recoveries in these cases from vegetative state to fully functioning. He said no matter what though to expect the long haul. This could take many weeks to many months. He did say that in a bad case scenario that Dallin wasn’t waking up after three weeks or so he’d recommend we treat him intensely for the next three months before we even discuss other options.  After that meeting we all felt so much more hopeful. There weren’t any tears after that meeting we all felt determined. After a while that wore off. Maybe it was just being tired or just seeing Dallin struggle with getting his feeding tube in. The rest of the day is a blur. A lot of talking, spending time with Dallin.  Everything is still so unsure. No one knows what will happen.

Everyone insists I get sleep and eat and go lay down for awhile. So I came here to the Guest Inn. It’s very beautiful. I took a shower and not even sure how I was putting one foot in front of the other. I got dressed and came to the bed to start typing. I can’t handle these feelings inside. I can’t handle the possibility of Dallin not waking up. I need to call someone and the only person in the whole world I want to talk to is in the ICU and unresponsive. My dear sweet amazing perfect loving husband that only ever treated me like a queen and loved me more than any human has ever loved me. I sit on this bed and can’t stand the thought of getting in it without my husband cuddled up next to me. I have no peace in my soul.

Needless to say I left right away for the hospital. The nurse, Cory, was so kind and he moved Dallin’s bed over and pulled up my recliner chair right next to Dallin. He put the side rail down so I could get as close as possible to him. I was facing him and I could hold his hand. I felt calmer at this point just being with him and knowing if anything went wrong or changed I would be right there.  This was the best thing that has happened in the last 24 hours. Cory was so nice to talk to and he was really calm and concerned. There’s really just nothing we can predict at this time. There’s no way to tell what damage has been done, not until he starts waking up."

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